I was caught up in a situation at the age of 14, sexually driven. Not consensual, however, I blame myself for being intoxicated and then allowing for the situation to unfold.

I am now 14 years past this situation, after going through therapy for it, albeit 2 years after the events, I figured it will be ok. Fast fwd to 2021. I'm happily married, have been for 5 years at this point, but I have started waking throughout the night, with flashbacks of this situation. Hands on me, around me, breathing, the feeling, the memories. Its awful, feels sadistic, I feel like I'm losing control. I didn't share this with my husband, because at the time it didn't matter anymore, it wasn't affecting me.

Now it affects me regularly, its stopping me sleeping well, it makes me jumpy and flinch when my husband tries to embrace me, i've tried to articulate it, but I can't. I feel shame, disappointment and fear. Just thinking about it takes me back to a space of complete numbness and the recklessness that followed from those events haunts me.

Sharing this outloud, for the first time in a long time, its a relief in some ways. It feels a little smaller, and a little more manageable. I hope that I can move forward with this, I want the flashbacks to stop. I want to feel the freedom again.