I am busy getting myself into a really miserable place and I feel stuck in limbo. There's so much to tell, I don't know how to separate what's important from what not. I am seeing a counsellor who has been really good in helping me sift through everything.

I come on here to see how people judge the "evil ones" who "break their promises" or decide that "forever has an expiry date". I know that if I leave, I'll be the bad person, but I'm mostly okay with it.

Looking past all of his faults and the things which annoy me about him every day, I love him and I don't want him to suffer, I just want him to be happy and fulfilled. I just cannot be the person who causes that for him.

We just seem to be so bad for each other. I've always been the "emotionally distant" one and the unaffectionate one. I never understood why until I started seeing a counsellor earlier this year and I am working through things.

One of the things I asked of my partner was to just give me some space - I need to work this out and sometimes I just need to have a little bit of time alone. (I am talking 30 minutes a day, not weeks at a time!!). Equally with the affection thing, I have explained to him that it makes me feel uncomfortable, but I will try.

It started off mostly respectful (apart from once where he told me that he expected me to be working through things in my alone time - it's just a morning walk and it's my time which I don't want him to control). He then spoke to his therapist who told him something which just changed things. He's constantly just trying to get affection, grabbing me, pulling me and it makes me feel suffocated! I'll give him probably 10 to 20 seconds at a time, but he will end up just forcing me to be there. I hate this - it not only makes me feel suffocated, but then when I pull away or have to be rude to him, it kills me even more as I know that he believes he needs this affection.

This is almost a metaphor for the rest of our relationship also. Earlier this year he was looking at buying a bigger house and I was making all kinds of excuses to get out of it, because we don't need anything bigger and I don't want a bigger mortgage. He continued to persist, to the point where he forced me to go and look at show houses with him and continued to tell me how much I loved the houses. I just went along with it in the end until we put our house on the market and I realised the grave mistake I was making.

With help from my counsellor, I realised it was the avoidant in me and I had a long heart-to-heart conversation with my partner to explain exactly why I didn't want the bigger house. He agreed and it got put on ice - mostly because of the pandemic.

This week he started with the whole house thing again. The more I am saying I don't want to buy anything bigger, the more he is persisting. He'll say things like "don't be stupid, of course you want this". I know, I do not want this. Fundamentally it goes against everything in me, I want to live a modest life and live within my means, he wants a show-off life of material things.

I am not without fault here - I push him away, our physical relationship is virtually non-existent all because of me; I can't remember if or when I have complimented him or just made him feel good about himself (I haven't changed - this is just who I've always been in this relationship). This would make anyone feel insecure.

As I've been doing coaching and therapy, I'm on the path of self-care. I have become so aware of just how much I have been used over the years. Where I thought things were really just my duty (because I've been told), I didn't realise that we should be in this together. I have been told in no uncertain terms that I am the cook, but equally that he won't clean up after me. So for 20 years, I have been the one to cook all of the meals, but then also most of the time having to clean the kitchen afterwards! (And both of us have similar full-time jobs!) - and then also have to take all of the criticism, like why I didn't colour-code his vegetables, or it's too crunchy or too soft or why I haven't cleaned the kitchen yet or how could I make him the same meat as he had for lunch.

I want to move on. I want to have some time for myself, I want to look after just myself for once. I have never experienced this before as I have always had to look after him. The more I am trying to just have time for myself, the more he needs affection.

I think we are just not good for each other. My desire to be independent and just look after myself causes me to push him away and show no interest, this causes him to want to hold on tighter and force me to be there with him, which really just suffocates me more.

I just want to cut loose from all of this, but I know it will shatter his world. He believes that he needs me. I cannot cause this much pain to someone else, but equally, this is making me so unhappy. I need to just have some time to myself - I need space to think, space to see who I am and not have my thoughts and feelings controlled by someone else.