Well that was short-lived. I'm not handling things at ALL right now. Been awake since 2am feel like I'm about to hyperventilate and I can't talk to h about it because as he told me Tuesday morning, he can't handle it. I don't know what to do with this fear and regret. I feel like I'm losing it. I'm so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I should have fought SO much harder. Now it feels like all is lost. And now I have to wait til tomorrow to see you because I was doubly-stupid in turning down your offer of seeing you today. I'm certainly a world-class idiot, aren't I? Does that come with a plaque or something? I feel like it should come with a plaque.


Why can't I let go of this incessant worry? WHY???? It doesn't fix, change, or solve ANYTHING. Yet I can't let it go. I can't. I hold onto it so tightly like it's saving my ****ing life when instead, what it's actually doing is slowly killing me. And even KNOWING that isn't enough to make me let it go.