katie
If you read some of the other posts in the relationship section you will see there are many of us in a similar situation. It seems to be a popular subject recently and it just makes me so sad that we are all so unhappy. It truly does.
I understand you are feeling lost, alone, unloved, and probably afraid of what the future may hold. Do you have family or friends that you rely on for help and support? I know the only way I have made it this far is by the love of good people.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate besides the troubled marriage. You take care of 5 kids? That has to be stressful Im sure.

You have some big decisions to make. If you think the marriage is worth saving then ask him to go to counseling. If he refuses and you can't live with things like they are (which I don't think you want to), you have to come up with a plan and move on. Take your kids with you and make a better life where the home environment will be more positive and you will be a happier person. That may take a while but it is possible.

In the meantime, try and see a counselor or someone who can help you through all this stress and confusion. Take care...