I'm actually calm-ish right now. I've decided to accept that my time is running out. I promised my pups that I would repay them for keeping me going by being there for them on their final days. I love them so much. But it doesn't seem like it's up to me now. I'm very disappointed. They are my reason for living and I hate to let them down and worse, to abandon them.

My health anxiety is off the charts the last few days. Haven't had a panic attack yet, but the worry seems worse than ever. I am very tired because I'm not getting good sleep and we got snow overnight. I'm also very hungry, which I know stresses the body. So, the logical part of me knows there is a lot going on to cause this anxiety, but the not logical part has decided that my days are numbered. That part wins too frequently.

Anyway, I'm not actually panicking. I'm weirdly calm, trying to think of the things I need to take care of. The pups are acting a litle weird so they probably know something is up. I've tried to be extra affectionate with them, but it becomes overwhelming emotionally and I usually end up freaking them out because I start crying. I should take them for a walk because I don't know how many we have left.

It was an adequate life. Sorry it's coming to an end before fulfilling my purpose and my promise to them. They deserve better.