I was severely abused by both my parents for my entire childhood. Also kept excluded from most everyone, with the exception of being allowed to go to school because not sending me would've set off alarms bells (but even then the one time a teacher raised concerns for my well-being, my parents had me removed from her class) and later on to part-time work (but had to hand over all my pay). I was essentially a prisoner and didn't manage to escape (successfully) until i was twenty.

I've struggled at times with even knowing what i need from T because i missed out on *everything*. No safe person, no safe place, no love, nurturing, protection. Nothing. And what was worse in some ways is that i had a sibling who was raised very differently so i got to see what i was missing out on as i was missing out on it.

Even in sessions, when T asks what might be helpful, i find it difficult to pin down. It runs the gamut from taking me home and adopting me to just wanting him to hold my hand. The first obviously isn't an option, but the second is (i can ask for hugs too).

I guess what i really need is for it to be okay to need him. For him not to be repelled by it or laugh at me for it or use it to hurt me. We've been working together a long time and i still have moments, days, weeks even when i feel that somehow it must not be okay and he always reassures me that it is.

I'm slowly (veeeerrrry slowly) learning to dial down the internal "it's not okay" messages and dial up T's "it is okay" message.