I absolutely LOST IT on my mom last night. She said to me it was “shameful” that my brother doesn’t see our grandma more often and I just blew up. I told her it’s completely unfair for her to blame everything on him, I know things that she doesn’t, I know for a FACT that he’s tried to get her to go out with her so they could hash things out and she has refused. I told her that our side of the family has been dysfunctional for generations and that not one person besides me and him have tried therapy to better ourselves and our relationships. I said if she has a problem with him she needs to actually TALK to him and LISTEN to him without judging and blaming or seeing it as a personal attack. Told her that expecting family to do for family no matter what when that family is actively treating you like crap is toxic ******** and I for one am not gonna take part in it anymore. I almost made it super personal and pointed out that she and her own brother do not speak because her brother is a passive aggressive disrespectful asshole. So obviously it runs in the family. But I held back from that.

I was so angry I was shaking by the end of it. Like how dare she speak to me like that after what I know about the way she’s been treating my brother? Is it any wonder that he like my SIL’s family better? They actually show him concern and caring. No one in our family ever calls or even texts just to check in on each other. Like no one. I mean, I cannot remember the last time someone in that side of the family told me they loved me, even my own mother. Me and my brother tell each other we love each other every time we talk because dammit that’s what families are supposed to be like. Don’t come at me telling me I owe you something when I never got jack **** from any of you. And they care even less about my brother if that’s even possible. They see him as a traitor. **** off.

Anyway all she said about it this morning is that I’m right, it’s the truth, and she needed to hear it. Whether she’ll take on board and actually do something to repair what’s been broken I don’t know but I said what I said and don’t regret it.

Sigh...in other news I think it’s possible I may be in a very slight hypo episode. Only because I’m very energetic, more so than usual, and especially because I really have no interest in eating much anymore. Like I’m hungry but I just don’t want to eat anything in particular. I’m forcing food down my throat because I gotta eat to live, right? But I’m not like enjoying anything. I’m kinda eating on the vegetarian side because meat is grossing me out. Sugary drinks and food, even artificially sweetened, are gross too. The only thing I am seriously looking forward to is my annual slice of birthday cheesecake lol. I get a slice of red velvet cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory every year on or around my birthday. Last year I couldn’t obviously but this year it’s back on. Unfortunately my actual birthday has been effectively “ruined” although that’s rather dramatic. It’s just it’s on Easter Sunday and originally my grandma wasn’t going to do a bug Easter and I was really looking forward to just sitting at home, cooking my family a nice little ham and some veggies, and calling it a day. But now she wants to have a whole family gathering, my mom’s side of the family, who as I’ve mentioned previously in this post are a bunch of assholes. I’m not too fond of my mom herself either at this point. My grandma is a huge enabler and a “don’t tick the boat” type person, but she’s 84. She not going to change. Everyone else though has no excuse. But whatever, I’ll go for a couple of hours.

Oh well. I’m gonna do whatever I want for the rest of the day. Which will likely be pick a new trail to explore. Or return to an old favorite. Haven’t decided yet.