Had another fairly good night of sleep, but still feeling less than... normal. I need to cook for myself today, at the very least, and I just don't want to. I can continue to eat oatmeal and carrots and fruit. Again, I just don't know why I can't take even the small, simple steps to move forward. I know with 100% certainty (because of lots of experience) that when I take just a few small actions each day, my day is better. But for the last week or 10 days I haven't been able to.

I went out for lunch with my one friend in the world, a couple of weeks ago. After that wonderful conversation I was feeling really hopeful about the future and taking some actions to move forward. Then 2 days later my anxiety spiked like it never has before. I can only think that it was trying to tell me that what I was thinking was dangerous, because that's what anxiety does, keep me safe. But how am I ever going to move forward if I stay stuck in place? I'm not. Why does my anxiety hate me so much? It's role is to keep me safe, but it pushes me closer to wanting to end my life. How is that safer?

I know the best course of action is to take some small, basic steps each day. Dishes, cook, do laundry, make the bed, etc. And then maybe one slightly scary action each week. Apply for jobs, go TO the grocery store, go TO the library, etc. But I'm even struggling to do the things that are in no way dangerous. How is cooking or doing dishes dangerous? Frustrating.