Quote:
Originally Posted by Elio
Did you ever have sadness/grief when noticing the longing feelings diminish? Mine are diminishing in various ways and different levels depending on everything going on. However, I can't tell if that is because of internal growth or because I am shutting down parts and pushing her out. And I miss the good feelings I felt when that longing was stronger. I don't miss the painful feelings when the longing was stronger. I miss how I felt about myself when I felt more in touch with that part of me. Now, so little in my life feels safe enough - which is why I feel like I am shutting down - pushing her out.
There are other times where it feels like it's not a big deal because I know my T is there (which is part of the internalization of it all, I get that).
And yeah, we are talking about it.
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Elio, that is an interesting question and post. I don't know, but to me what you described going between feeling less safe and ok with it suggests that you are going forward in your process.
Did I feel sadness and grief? Mostly not, because it was slow and gradual, but actually I do have a vague missing of situations, where an overwhelming anxiety can be calmed down by a powerful entity just like that! Which once was my T just saying caring things and paying full attention when I needed it. It's not a longing really, more like a memory how simple it once was, like how a mother calms down a child. I don't have much safe memories from my childhood, but I have these glimpses of remembering how it is possible, thanks to T. And even there I don't miss my T as a person, I don't even feel she could do that anymore as I am not as attentive or receptive to fixes like that anymore? Maybe I can even say that I grew up.
If feeling overwhelmed I turn to adult ways to handle it. Talking to friends and spouse, selfcare or just letting it come and go. And I love the way of functioning this way, it feels safe and right. But that was a really interesting thing to think about, thank you Elio.