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Originally Posted by Elio
Did you ever have sadness/grief when noticing the longing feelings diminish? Mine are diminishing in various ways and different levels depending on everything going on. However, I can't tell if that is because of internal growth or because I am shutting down parts and pushing her out. And I miss the good feelings I felt when that longing was stronger. I don't miss the painful feelings when the longing was stronger. I miss how I felt about myself when I felt more in touch with that part of me. Now, so little in my life feels safe enough - which is why I feel like I am shutting down - pushing her out.
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You know I told T these feelings I have for him are something I never experience before and have no frame of reference and I like what I feel. It is as if I found something that I was on a quest for and did not even know it. I found the golden chalice. I do not want to lose what I feel as there would be a big whole again that I just could not handle. I also do not like the strong overwhelming feelings that come with it. I just want to keep the warm fuzzy feelings.
We are doing parts work (IFS) and trying to get to this part but there is so much shame around it. My shame is huge for feeling what I feel towards him. Ugh. I only tell him half of what I deal with between sessions.
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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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