Literally these extreme lows, highs and black-outs (dissociation - let's just call them black-outs for the comparison).
I truly feel drugged at times... Like being high. It makes me feel like I have no issues at all then I go back to feeling awful and later on not being able to understand what was actually wrong this time...
I don't know I have no idea how to live like this really - I never know when the two later ones come and being high does not necessarily always feel good. It becomes exhausting. Am I truly happy why is it so intense?
Why do I feel so upset right now? What went wrong?
I don't know I feel exhausted and drained by this disorder. I rarely get bored, it is always an adventure but not only in good ways also in incredibly bad ones.
I can not think rationally I am too consumed by my strong emotions and being in that brain fog. I sometimes wish there was a physical cause because honestly I really don't understand myself nor do I find an explanation for this most of the time.
Sometimes I wonder what it is like to not be mentally ill...
I am just curious.
How can I make these less intense - all of the states I just described above.
Also self-harm and suicidal ideation are a big issue during my lows and during my highs I can not really calculate risks like I truly think self-harm is fun and suicide is fun (yeah I love ending up in hospital, like truly so much fun, I usually get back to reality afterwards and panic people will find out, so I really reduced it massively - I usually don't say it but if I act weird I sometimes get asked and then I admitted it on rare occasions) it is really disturbing to think about, just being in denial but not actively I guess.
Also I felt lots of hate, anger and felt suicidal this morning... Now 5 hours later I feel amazing. I am watching a really saddening video but nothing is coming through. Usually it would upset me now I can't relate at all, because I don't feel like I have issues, I feel almost invincible - nobody can hurt me and life is great. And part of me is like ???? how? And lots of energy of course... Only to go back to feeling the opposite later.