I am all screwed up. Since I took down the Christmas tree back in January, I have been on a downhill slide. I don't even know what to call it. Usually being depressed involves me feeling very unhappy and sad. I don't feel sad. I don't feel especially down, mentally. But something is really wrong with me. I just read and look at videos. I can't get the house straightened up. I'm in bed a l o t.

I guess this is a new kind of depression. In September, I got over the severe grief of losing my s.o. who died. That pain had lasted 3 and 1/2 months. During that period, I got hospitalized with depression twice, a week in June and a week in August. Then from mid-Sep until after Christmas, I was doing very well. I had made a goal of having a good Christmas, and I reached that goal.

But I'm a wreck now. I have had chronic pain issues for some years. I never found them disabling. Taking hydrocodone 2 or 3 times a day kept me going pretty well. I cooked. I gardened. But I feel increasingly too sore to cope with housework.

Since yesterday, I am overwhelmed with how sore I feel. I haven't gotten dressed in two days. I would give anything for a larger supply of hydrocodone. (I get 60 tabs per month.)

I don't know whether I'm depressed from being all sore and achy . . . or whether I'm achy from being depressed and immobile. I truly don't know which came first - the chicken or the egg. All I know is I'm in a bad mess. I'm not doing anything constructive about it. So that tells me a lot of my problem is mental. However I'm too sore to focus mentally.

I feel like I need help, but I don't know of anything that would help, except more pain medication. So I'm stuck.