Trigger icon for very light mention of SI and suicidal ideaion

I'm not scared of starting the job. I'm not scared of not knowing what to do. Being a therapist comes natural to me, and although I have years and years worth of things to learn, I am confident in my abilities to do this. I shouldn't have even called it a job, because it's really not a job to me. It's just what I do, what I am meant to do. Part of my life. This has been my dream for so long.

I am scared, however, because I have been going through such a %#@&#! cyclone for the past eight months or so. It all started with a four-month depressive episode and turned into out of control SI, mood swings, etc.

Where it stands now-- I am still SI'ing, I was just taken off of Lithium last night because of symptoms indicated that the levels were getting too high, I deal with suicidal feelings everyday (not going to act on it), and am still feeling the disappointment and anger of a denial of admission to an inpatient hospital to get help.

So basically, I am still in the middle of this total cyclone and I'm walking into a full-time job with it. I know that I can leave my %#@&#! at the door when I see my patients. I did it for a year at my internship. T is so confident that this will be positive for me-- and he is right because when I was interning, during those times in which I was involved with my patients, either directly or indirectly, I was like a different person.

However, I am still scared. I am not even close to what you would call stable. Like I said, I am not scared about going in there and doing my thing. I'm scared that it will all just be too much. I wish I could have gotten better during my time off, but instead, I was thrown off more.