soo..

About 2 years ago, my little brother's best friend was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 15. First of all, I have to say that it is very unfair for such things to happen to someone so young.. what could he have done at 15 years old to deserve such an illness? I don't undertand.
He immediately underwent chemotherapy treatment. He lost all his hair, of course, a lot of weight, and pretty much his life. He only went to high school for a few months then had to be home schooled. He went through a lot and never complained. He was very strong and took it all like a man twice his age.
My brother and him were very close and did a lot together. Through all his treatment my brother was always there for him. He went with him to hospital appointments and was there to keep him company when he couldn't go out and leave his front step.
He died 5 days ago. He started bleeding from his nose on Monday night and died on the ambulance.
I went to the funeral/cremation or whatever you call it on Thursday, two days ago. It was most definitely a difficult experience. I had never dealth with death before at nineteen years old, and i hoped i would never have to, which is dumb of me, of course.
It was very strange, though. At the service, there were a lot of people crying, but out of all those people, few of his family members actually seemed to be mourning. It was so weird. His single mother cried but very little. She was smiling and thanking others for being there, as did the rest of his family.
She spoke about her son as if it was okay that he was dead and gone forever.. i didn't understand. When i saw pictures of him and heard his favorite song play, I burst into tears and couldn't stop.
When I finally saw him laying there in the casket, lifeless, I fell apart. I starting sobbing and crying, and almost felt like i was gonna pass out or something. It was terrible. I had never seen a dead body before. I kept looking at his abdomen, hoping it would rise, as a sign of him breathing. I staried at his closed eyes, hoping that they would open. It was like I was waiting for him to wake and laugh at us for crying at him.. like it was all a big joke, being the prankster that he was.
But he did nothing. Not breath, blink, move, live. It was one of the scariest things I've ever experienced.
I haven't been able to sleep much lately.. I was bursting into tears every few hours yesterday.. and had to go to my mom's house at midnight for consolation. I feel like a child. I don't understand this at all.
Why did it happen to him? I just don't understand. I dont understand death, even though I saw it right in front of me. And where did he go? He's gone but where?
it's so hard.. My mom tries to tell me about religion and God. I do believe in God but why would He do this?
im so confused.
and sad & scared.

&& the worst part is that it didn't even happen to me and I'm reacting this way. what's going to happen when it does happen to me?

ugh. Just the thought of it makes me not want to live anymore.. why is life so damn tragic?
it sucks cuz i was doing so well lately, so positive and "happy". but now i just feel like i'm back where i started a year or two ago.

But the hardest thing for me is understanding why his mother doesn't seem to be too bothered by it. I know she's sad, but it doesn't seem like she sad enough. I would and probably will lose my mind when a close loved one dies.. but she doesn't seem to, even though i know she loved him and did everything for him when he was alive. i dont understand.

k well i guess that's enough for now... thnks