We almost divorced. I was SO close - the divorce paperwork had been finalized and all we needed to do was file.

Then my husband's 85 year-old sick and elderly father was sent to the hospital with heart trouble. My husband called me devastated and in tears, and I supported him.

Then, I was bullied in my recent new job. I called my husband in tears and he supported me. We talked on the phone for an hour and he helped to calm me down immensely. He was very reassuring, and I needed him.

We began talking more and more. Soon enough, we were texting every day and becoming friends again.

The whole time we've been separated, he has repeated how much he loves me and how devastated he has been without me.

We've been living apart since the end of November. We're still living apart, and we're still not wearing our wedding rings.

However, we are together - but not fully. We slept together for the 1st time in months last weekend. We talk every day. He tells me how much he loves me, and sometimes, I tell him I love him back.

I have recently been hospitalized for serious mental health issues and I also had Covid. I was in the hospital for ten days.

I am not making any decisions about my marriage until I feel stable and sound again. I am not either right now, but I am confused.

Do I still love him? Can I trust him ever again? Do I even want this marriage or would I be far happier alone? These are the questions swirling in my head.

He agreed to go to couples counseling, but we are waiting until I start my new job. He isn't in individual counseling... I would prefer we go to a couples therapist.

I just don't know how I feel anymore. I have been through SO much lately, that my head is literally spinning.

There are many things about him that deter me away. Then there are several things that keep me feeling hooked and tied to him emotionally and romantically. I am still attracted to him physically.

I am posting this thread to help me figure out an answer to how I feel and what I want.

Can I be happy with him? That's my main issue. He has a lot of behaviors that need changing and improving. Then there are habits of his that I cannot stand living with.

On the flip side, he does take care of me in ways that I love, need and want.

It feels like a matter of "can't live with him, can't live without him" - UGH.