My Support Forums - View Single Post

cygne · Mar 31, 2021 at 09:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeremiahgirl

Hi, could it be your the person pulling away...from emotions (feelings)? It’s easy to project one’s weaknesses upon another as to (denial) one’s internal pain? One area in which BPD people has is a desire to be close yet push other’s away because the closeness is painful. Parents of caretakers who lack the ability to love, nurture etc. often withdraw from the child, ignoring their needs...the child resents this and will fight against (any attempt of love) this increases hostility, distress and distance with the bonding process. Here develops the VOID. An emptiness which many with BPD struggle with. It last throughout relationships in life.

We rarely get comfortable with accepting affection from others yet the inward heart desires it.

I believe this comes from the attachment issues when we are children and the relationship with our parent. The lack of attention and love develops an absence a void which I’m not sure is ever recovered.

I’m presently trying to understand this myself. Filling the VOIDS. [emoji53]

Thanks for this. I'm working a lot on myself, so I can track my feelings and fluctuations. I'm not the one pushing people away, I only did so in relationships where I felt trapped or forced to be something I'm not (sadly I've gotten into knowing a lot of toxic people too).
I'm there most of the time, but the amount of pain I feel is unlike anyone could ever foster or fathom (unless struggling with similar conditions, I believe).
Lately I've come to terms that I'll never happen upon other humans or places where I could genuinely feel safe. Good times, sure, but it's gotten really dark for me. I don't find any purpose in keeping up appearances or lying to myself that it'll get better, because it won't. My derealization too stems from understanding that a single event can change my whole existence, and I dread that feeling to my very core.

Possible trigger:

I get intrusive thoughts of being hit by a car while just casually walking down the street. It's like a crippling fear.

So yea, maybe went a bit off-topic here, but both in those moments when I'm in pain, where I do make it clear to the other person that I'm going through a rough patch and in my "good moments", I'm there. Because I always had to be the responsible one in the house, so I carry that cross.