Why are you scared to go to the hospital?

The answer to this question is probably very important.

Honest answer to your question:

If I told my therapist or pdoc that I was suicidal and had a plan, they would have me hospitalized.

Please sort out the meaning between not wanting to live like this anymore, and wanting to die. There is a difference there. If you don't want to live this way anymore, fine.... things can change with treatment and work. Death is permanent. Pain doesn't have to be.

Please get back to us.