It's like I'm leading a double life. One day, we're picking out appliances and floor coverings for a new home. But the next day, I'm trying to decide if and/or when to divorce him. So confusing.

We're even building a mother-in-law style apartment into the new house, with a seperate entrance and everything. I keep thinking, great, that's where I can live...when we get divorced. Still live in the same house, still raise our daughter together, but not be together romantically anymore. He could work nights again, I'd work days. Sounds almost perfect.

But what the hell am I thinking???!!! Crazy to be building a house with a man I am thinking of divorcing.

I do love him, I really do. But we're not in love anymore. To be honest, we never should have got married in the first place. The romance died maybe 2 years before then. We only tied the knot because I was pregnant.

We don't fight, we get along, financially stable, good parents, all that. The only thing missing is the intimacy - and not just in bed, but all day long. I feel like we're just roomates, not husband and wife. And every attempt I have made to change that just doesn't last. It may help for a day or two but then we're back how we were.

I'm just so conflicted.

Part of me wants that perfect house on the corner with the picket fence, 2.5 kids and a dog, loving husband, and growing old together, having the grandkids visit 30 years from now, going on cross-country roadtrips in our RV when we're retired. I want that life with him.

But then there's the part of me that just really misses the intimacy. I need that, somehow. I need someone, ANYONE, to tell me that they love me. Maybe I'm just too needy. But no one tells me that anymore. My family never did. I don't think my mother has ever said "I love you" to me. She just thought we "knew" that she did. My daughter, I know she loves me, but she's only 2 years old. Only so much you can get from that. I really just need to know that someone out there cares about me, as ME, not the person they want me to be. And I don't get that from him.

Sorry so long...just rambling.