Dear T,
I’m not sure I will ever be able to express what I need in a therapy setting as alongside the feeling of an intolerable amount of shame, too often I know those needs would be viewed as overstepping boundaries. The way I see it is that rigid, firm boundaries with no flexibility are more about being beneficial to the therapist rather than the client. I’m not saying boundaries shouldn’t exist because they should, but every client is different and they need different things to be able to move forward. For example I absolutely know that appropriate and well thought through self disclosure from you is something that would help me to trust, feel safe and be able to talk more freely in sessions. Talking to a blank slate doesn’t feel relational, it doesn’t feel like I am making a connection with someone and it reinforces the power imbalance that I already feel in the room and consequently there is only so much trust and safety I can gain from this. But I recognise that my need for you to be more ‘human’ would be breaking that rigid boundary even though it would be beneficial in building a secure therapeutic relationship so I’m not going to rock the boat by expressing that need .
You regularly ask what I need when I am triggered in session but again what I need is not something you will be willing to give. When I am in that state there are two things that I think may help. First is physical closeness and touch. So having someone sit close next to me and maybe just a hand on my arm. In most situations touch is actually a very complex thing for me to deal with, but because when I am triggered I can’t move, struggle to speak and get a ringing sensation in my ears that makes voices seem distant and far away, I think that physical presence would help me realise that I wasn’t alone and would ground me. The second thing would be getting verbal reassurance. So ‘I’m with you, I care about you, you are not on your own, I’m going nowhere, you’re safe, I can see how distressed you are and what you’re feeling is completely normal.’ But again I know all of the above would be seen as breaking ethical boundaries so what’s the point in asking and then experiencing such horrific rejection that I would struggle to recover it from when you say no.
And to be honest if I have to ask for these things then it wouldn’t feel like they were genuine anyway, it would feel fake and like it was forced compassion and you are only doing it because I asked rather than meaning it.
So yeah, expressing needs seems pointless when you know they will just be met with rejection and you will be scalded and shamed for trying to break boundaries. And I have no choice in these boundaries, I have to comply. I am not to make a fuss or cause trouble for the fear of being told not to come back or being labelled as difficult. And that becomes a massive trigger for that same feeling of being utterly powerless that I experienced during all of the trauma that I endured as a child.