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Old 04-02-2021, 12:34 PM  
khloegarci
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Member Since: Apr 2021
Location: Monaco
Posts: 1
Default I fear I might be racist

Hello everyone, I just created an account here because I have no idea what to do with my life. I am ****ing desperate, I fear being a racist, I have intrusive thoughts, OCD, suicidal, depression, numbness, I am lonely, anxiety, social awkwardness, desperate, and I need help. You don't have to read this entire post if you don't want to.
First off, I am 15, female. My entire life I lived across the world not seeing my family, I moved with my mom, my dad lived in another country, he, after couple of years moved in, both of my parents have mentally and physically abused me, hit me, yell at me for no reason, drink or make out in front of me, lie to me etc..
In school, I used to be social only in kinder garden and first grade. After, I was bullied for my eye shape, body, that I am a weirdo for not talking much. Next, I was in middle school, everything got worse. I was bullied for my eye shape still, that I didn't have big thighs, skinny, being flat and all those things. I lost trust, hope, happiness in everything. My escape was social media always. But with lockdown and covid I became worse. I have only two friends. One, moved to another country with lockdown, but we have known each other for 10 years. I can't trust her for a reason that if I tell her, everybody knows about it. Other friend, we are not exactly friends, we just hang out sometimes, but we are two different humans.
I am stuck home, 24/7, going crazy. I don't know who my parents are anymore. When I see them, I fee like I don't know these people. I stopped feeling emotions couple of weeks ago, I pretend to have them, but I don't. I don't laugh, smile, I feel hurt, pain, guilt, shame and only. I just don't care anymore. When something happens, I couldn't care less, I just don't feel anything. I am numb and ****ed up. My parents put a lot of damage on me. They destroyed New Years Eve twice for me. Both times they got drunk and had sex till morning, while I was alone. They have a alcohol problem, they just deny it all the time. When I told them about how I feel that they drink beer or wine all the time, they yelled at me to shut the **** up and go to sleep. My mom tries her best, but she can't do it either, my dad on another hand, has no limits. He has anger issues, he swears all time, they think it's fine to curse in front of your kids, do not nice things etc..
People have told him that he better change his attitude, but he thinks he is a good person somehow. He might not be bad, but good? Nah, that's a lie. He has done not good things to me. Once, he almost choked me because I need to pay off somethings, he just grabbed his hands around my neck and that's it. In school, sometimes I would physically get bullied too.
My parents are always fighting, about everything. They could get physical sometimes, sometimes are just words, like today in the early morning they were yelling and fighting so my mom just ran away, just came back btw.
I too, live in small apartment with two adults that have no idea how to behave, so once my mom had people staying in three room apartment so we were 7 in the house, they were two adults and 2 extremely inappropriate, not well behaved kids, so I ran away to my friends house were I slept for a week or 2 days I dont rememebr, cause they *****es bullied me.
So, I have intrusive thoughts, really really bad ones. It started off with easy ones, but life got worse so did the thoughts. I have sexual, rape, bad, awkward, weird thoughts all the time, I used to be able to control them, but now it's just automatic. It happens out of nowhere, and stays that way. It happens that I have the thought, and my brain is like what if that would happen to your friend, a celebrity I admire, some person I don't know but is a youtuber etc.. I just feel extreme guilt because of that. Like I don't wanna hurt those people, but if I say what if that will be your mom, I am like okay, well that's not gonna happen.
Lately, I have racist thoughts. I don't know why. My dad is a little bit racist, but not exactly, though I never asked him about it so IDK. Like what if I am fine or like with it being a racist? Like I am definitely not fine if my brain thinks that. It started off like. I love rap music, it's my life, it never effected me to like do drugs and bad things, I just like the style and the vibe. A lot of music I listen turns out, has the N-word. I sometimes sang along with it when I am alone only, sometimes I don't sing it out loud but in my head with the lyrics. I firstly didn't know what that means exactly, but yesterday I started to worry about it a lot. My head is like: ,,Oh, what if you said that to a Black person to a straight face and didn't care, huh? or like ,,What if you called someone that way?'' I don't know how to feel because I fear what if I did, but then I wouldn't and I start to obsess about it all over again. Then I get confused how I feel about it, obsess about it, have doubts what if I don't think that way, I worry a lot what if I am, I just don't know. I get lost in my feelings, I kinda feel numb about this whole thing, I thought maybe I feel numb about this because I know I am not that person, so I know I would never act on those things so maybe, but again here my brain starts to doubt everything.
This might be wrong for me sharing this but I ma just ****ing desperate, I just need to share this because no one, my parents are ****ing not supportive, understandable. I tried to tell them, they said I was being dumb, my mom freaked out by me telling her I would like to visit a therapist.
Like I don't know who I am, I don't know myself, I feel distant, what I like, who I am, like I don't know man. I am really confused. I am sorry if I wasted your time, if you read this, thank you!
Hope everyone has a great day though!

Last edited by CANDC; 04-02-2021 at 07:49 PM.. Reason: Change Text color - bring within guidelines
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