So Sorry that things aren't going well! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about this not being your fault. Are you currently seeing a therapist? i feel like that may help you to process this. Please do not give up. Hugs. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Ladytmt, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!