Dear Former T:

Hi. How are you? I hope you had a nice Easter weekend and I hope you are doing well. As always, you are in my thoughts.


I received your response a couple of days ago. I wanted to think before I responded, so that I wasn't responding from an overly emotional place that was hurting and potentially lashing out or as my history goes, lashing in. I had an appointment with T on Saturday, so we were able to discuss your email and your decision; the discussion was moderately helpful. But not all the way helpful. I know discussing it with you will be helpful as well. Potentially more helpful than discussing it with T who I think didn't grasp the entirety of the situation.


I hope you realize that it took enormous courage to ask you if I could come back to seeing you. I knew it would mean saying goodbye to T for a time and I was willing to do that. I knew there was a big possibility that you would say no, but I knew without asking, I would never know. In this case, ask and you shall receive didn't work out, but I know it is not a decision that you took lightly and you probably put a lot of thought into it. I don't think you intentionally meant to hurt me in your message because your message was extremely cordial and polite and you very politely said no.


I can't say that I am not disappointed because I am. I can't say that I am not hurt because I am. My heart has been broken, again.


You, who I have trusted above all others, has told me that you don't want to work with me. That you don't want to see me. At least, that is how I hear it. I have an internal locus of control so I am blaming myself. I was "too much" as a client and took up "too much" of your resources and you don't want to deal with me. That is hard to deal with because I love you so much. I know you said I have your care but I don't really. And that makes me very sad.


T did what I think is EMDR as we were discussing your email, which I hope you don't mind, that I read it to her. I don't like EMDR. I don't get it. I think it's silly. I hate following her fingers with my eyes. But anyway, here's what came up. First layer, abandonment. Second layer, sadness. Third layer, confusion. Fourth layer, loss of trust. Fifth layer, anger. Sixth layer, resignation.


T didn't agree with your decision. I think she couldn't imagine not letting a client come back who wanted to. That's her way of doing therapy. It doesn't mean it is yours. She said as always I am free to go to whomever I choose even if I choose a different therapist each week. I am free to leave her and come back and that she will never leave me. She may die of course, but she will never abandon me. I don't think she should say such things. No one knows the future. She could be hit by a car and paralyzed and unable to work and have to suddenly stop seeing clients. It's best not to overpromise. I take it as, she would never intentionally abandon me or intentionally leave me. But I know better than to believe her promise because I never would have thought you would have gotten MS and we would have to stop seeing one another.


When you said, "Now that you have worked as hard as you have to get to a place of sobriety, there are so many doors open to you with T to explore growing in maturity and handling life without your previous addiction." T said, "I wish she would tell me what they are!" I don't think she entirely knows what to do with me. After we discussed your email and my feelings to a small extent we talked mostly small talk for the rest of the time. There wasn't any deep diving into the emotions or any discussions about how I kept myself from self harming over the rejection.


But I did. I did resist self harm. Self harm would have been simpler. It would have dealt with the emotions in one swift blow instead of me dealing with them over and over and over again in various forms. In a way, it could have been justified by me and to me, as the rejection of someone who means so much to me, who I love so much, well of course self harm would have been the desired method to deal with the rejection. But I didn't take that path. I did a lot of praying. I had a lot of feelings, which sucks, by the way. I asked my friends to pray for me and only later explained to them what was going on, and I talked to T. This is how I handled it. This is the evidence of the growth I have experienced. Besides I know that if I self harm, it is going to need stitches and that means the possibility of a hospital stay and I don't want that. I no longer self harm safely. I cannot trust myself to harm myself. It is no longer helpful. It is harmful to me. These truths I cannot deny.


I don't know if you will understand the magnitude of the sadness that I am experiencing. I had thought from our last discussion on the phone, a few years ago, that there was a chance that we would work together again. Of course, things change. People change. Circumstances change. I was hopeful that we could work together again but I was unsure of how that would work because of the intense hurt I had over losing you the first time. I wanted to spare myself that hurt if possible. Which I have done with T. If I never saw T again, I don't think I would hurt. I might miss her a little but it wouldn't hurt. I think I have held back on my relationships to avoid that sort of hurt again and I know that isn't healthy but I want to protect myself from that intense sort of pain. Peculiar wanting to protect myself from pain when I spent a lifetime of causing myself pain.

I don't necessarily think your decision is wrong, though I wish your decision was different. I think your reasoning might be wrong. That we were in no way finished before, so how could our time be complete? I wish I could understand better what you meant and understand your reasons for not wanting to work with me. Left to myself I devise all sorts of conclusions that may or may not be factual. Of course I blame myself. There is no one else to blame. If I had been a better client, an easier client, you might have taken me back. If I would have just been good enough.....


Still, I love what you did for me, all those years ago. That you held the stuff I couldn't deal with. That you allowed me to act out my pain. Now I guess I am at a point where my pain has all been acted out. Now it must just be lived through.


I can't quite come to grips with your decision. I keep thinking, it must be a mistake, it must not be true. It must be impossible that I will go the rest of my life without seeing you again. There's tears in my eyes that don't fall and there's a lump in my throat that I cannot swallow.


While I don't like your decision, I do accept your decision. I accept it in all it's finality as was stated in your correspondence. I don't expect you to change your mind. I hope you will better understand where I was coming from and I hope you will continue to dialog this with me for a little while so I can work through the ramifications of your decision. I hope you won't leave me stranded but will help me understand your reasonings, or at least hear and acknowledge my pain. If you choose not to, that is of course, your choice. I will be in pain for some time and I accept that as well. Pain and me have a long history. It's written on my arms. It's just no longer played out on my arms. I do hope you will write to me and help me with your decision. Your choice, of course. I will continue to love you, no matter what, and despite the pain. I'm not sure even you can fathom the depth of the pain that I am in. You who know me so well. You still may not be able to fathom it. It goes beyond all human reasoning. My heart hurts. Funny. I think I told you that in our very first session together. And you said, "Oh, you're sad." No, dear one. My heart hurts. I have to manage the pain so that it does not consume me. But like T said, I will survive it. Of course. What choice do I have?


Please write to me. Let not my pain be unacknowledged.


Take care, dear one, take good care.

Yours unendingly,

Kit