It feels like a persistent feeling that at some point things were better, while being completely unable to identify when. It's like a persistent feeling of homesickness, feeling like wherever I am and whatever I'm doing, I really should be doing something somewhere else instead but I can't figure out what. While at the same time feeling that that place and activity are somehow completely lost to me. It feels like time has pauses and skips, as when I'm doing something, get distracted and when I come back to the task at hand, I feel a little disoriented.

It's experiencing being highly focussed on some task or problem, only to realize later that you already did that.

It's getting to the end of a movie and it's just bits and pieces and doesn't make sense, and all those bits and pieces are forgotten the next day.

It's not being able to remember your age because in your head it's just a jumble of past impressions and brief experiences.

It's looking in the mirror and being surprised you're almost fifty, because you are so often not present in the current moment.

It's telling a joke back to the person who told it to you just a couple days ago because you can't seem to make those sorts of connections in your mind, but you do remember the joke.

It's when you feel like you are really attentive but can't seem to grasp the point of what's just happened because you just can't figure out which details are important and which are best ingnored. Which reminds me of a joke:

Q: Remember when we went to Paris?
Yes! I say, that's where we saw the big dog!

That's the story of my life right there. It's going to Disneyland and the only thing you remember is a corndog , and an image in your head of what the bathroom by the front gate looks like.
It's feeling the days hours weeks an years as one big jumble without a clear narrative.

Finally it's the realization and acceptance that in many ways things have gotten worse over time and knowing that that's okay.

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