I have a new therapist whom I’ve seen maybe 10 times. I’ve been in therapy a couple of times before, but after I’ve finished it, I always end up in the same place after a while. I can’t seem to live my life without a lot of anxiety.

My new T mentioned emotional neglect a few weeks ago, and I immediately shrugged it off. I had loving parents and a healthy childhood. When I got home after the conversation with my T, I started thinking about my mom. She always made me feel like I shouldn’t feel the way I felt, I shouldn’t express my feelings and the main focus in her life was the appearance towards other people.

It’s hard to explain how she acted because it was so subtle. I wasn’t allowed to wear what I wanted until I was 10 years old. She never encouraged me to express myself, my opinion never mattered to her. When I was sad or scared, she made me feel like I exaggerated. She made me feel even worse. I stopped talking to her about things that matter. Even now, when I’m 35 years old, I can’t tell her what I really feel. When I discovered this about my mom I told my T and we discussed it. I realized that I do this in all my relationship, I hide myself. I’m so afraid that people will dismiss me and my feelings. And the result is anxiety. A lot of anxiety.

Now that I’ve realized this, I’m so afraid that I will be too much to handle for my therapist… What if she leaves me? I’m so afraid that I will be too attached to her and she will leave and I will be alone with all this again. I’m in therapy through company health care (I live in an European country) and that makes the number of therapy sessions limited, but I don’t know how many sessions I’m entitled to. It depends on my T and my boss I think.

I hate that I have to depend on her. She says that I need to practice being dependent and to rely on other people. But how can I rely on her when I know that sooner or later, she’s gonna leave me? I know that if I let myself, I may be very attached to her. It has happened before with people that are similar to her. But the pain that comes along with that sort of attachment is too much for me to handle.

I already have trouble sleeping, I’m constantly tired and sad and distracted. I have two small children and I need to be present with them, not constantly thinking about the past. But at the same time, I know I need therapy in order to be an OK mom to them. Sometimes I find myself acting towards my daughter the same way my mother did to me. It really scares me. I always apologaize to her, something my mother never did to me.

It hurts so much to realize that my childhood wasn’t what I thought it was. At the same time it explains so much. And now I understand that the critical voice inside my head is really my mom. I’ve had anxiety my whole life, I’ve had an eating disorder, panic attacks since I was 14, I’ve hurt myself when the pain has been too much and I’ve been depressed a couple of times. I’ve also been in a violent relationship. It all makes sense now… Does anyone have a similar experience and how did you heal? CAN you even heal from this?

Sorry if my English isn’t perfect, it’s not my first language.