@leomamma from what you have shared of these two men it sounds like they both experience anxiety and withdraw and engage based on their need to have control of whatever or whomever they engage or interact with.

The use of alcohol and marijuana isn't about being drunk, but used as a coping aide for the challenge in someone who struggles when they feel they may not have control. When you share "its not his mother but the house that he is attached to", that could very well be true and it could be a little of both. What he is showing you is how he needs that environment/relationship because he has gained a sense of control from it. And when I say "control" that includes "predictable".

These individuals may present caring qualities and sensitivities you are attracted to, however, as time goes on there is a limit and often this presents as disconnecting. This isn't because you are unworthy either, but instead it's a form of limiting the part you have in their life.

When there is a consumption of alcohol or pot that has become a pattern for an individual often this began when younger and slowly became a gradual go to in order to cope with challenges. This tends to prevent the individual from maturing to where that individual gradually learned how to cope and gain a sense of control "naturally". So just because an individual doesn't present as "drunk" doesn't mean there is not a problem. However, often there is a lack of maturity that you begin to notice. Also, with this tends to come "relationship challenges" and that is because the individual prioritizes whatever they happen to use as a way to cope and the person tends to get uncomfortable when they feel they are losing control or a sense of predictable outcomes.

So your understanding of AUD or using pot in patterns isn't about the high as much as it's more about the constant need for some sense of control and dealing with whatever isn't predictable. With some of these individuals, there can be a very ANGRY part that can most definitely lash out, sometimes can even be dangerous. Often a person can hide that and then it comes out later in the relationship. That is because of how the person needs to embrace their own fairytale of whatever fits their needs.

What other members are trying to point out to you is how they detect something "off" about these two men that are not going to be able to give "you" what you need out of a relationship. Instead all you will be is whatever they decide is manageable for them. And it sounds like you end up being a codependent and enabler. That is not a healthy role to be in, but, something that's familiar to you that you have grown to accept that you shouldn't.