Since T last went off sick and we had a break of nearly a month, we had a clear the air session back in February when T told me that she has a serious health condition (but didn't specify what), that she was about to receive a prognosis and start a treatment plan.

Since then we've had 7 consecutive sessions which were going quite well, until this week's appointment got cancelled as she's now in hospital.

I think we both tried to forget that T has a serious health problem and thought she could just carry on as normal, perhaps this is evidence that she can't. I recognise that she might not be able to keep her promise not to abandon me, she may have no choice due to her health.

I am genuinely concerned about her, but at the same time feel like I've been left in a cruel sort of limbo again. She wrote that hopefully by next week we'd both be in a better place, so it sounded as though she was expecting to be ok enough to be back at work - but she can't know that for certain. I don't want to have to start over with someone new unless I absolutely have to. But I wonder if we are both kidding ourselves and just putting off the inevitable ending that is lurking around the corner.
Looking for another T feels kind of disloyal somehow, like I'm writing her off too soon. But in our clear the air session, she was quite certain that she didn't want me to be worrying about her, that the sessions needed to be about me. I'm already struggling with that, she is on my mind way more than is healthy. I know I've become somewhat attached to her, despite my best efforts not to. The logical part of me is saying quit now before you get hurt, but that's going to happen anyway; the emotional part can't let go.



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