Hi...

I'm not sure how to describe what my problem is. Maybe I'm overthinking and it's no problem at all.
I turned 18 last year and around that time I developed depression, because of a difficult relationship with my father mostly and some other stuff like financial struggles and isolation due to corona.
I was never interested in alcohol because I never liked the taste and I like being in control and not risk doing something stupid. Unfortunately I still figured out that when I'm depressed and agitated alcohol helps me calm down and not feel as bad. So in the last ten months I went from rarely drinking at all to drinking a bottle of vodka a week, sometimes two.
This freaks me out because any kind of regular drinking seems unhealthy to me. Even if I rarely drink enough to actually get drunk I still get a bad feeling because I've gotten so used to drinking regularly.
I CAN go without alcohol for several days (doing it right now) but I just don't like it. If I don't drink I judy feel even more depressed and every time something happens I just want to numb myself.
I don't know how to go on from here because alcohol is the only thing that helps me relax a little bit these days but I know that I risk becoming dependent if I don't stop. I know I wouldn't drink if I weren't so depressed and I had hoped that this depressive phase would go away eventually but it's been almost a year and no improvement whatsoever.