I have an appointment soon... And I have been collecting notes and stuff about what has been going on and I am really scared and because sometimes my memory issues and in general get so severe and my cognitive functions feel like getting lost that I feel like I am going dumb.
I am just scared I am influenced or I will get influenced if that makes sense? I feel like finally things could fall into place.
I stopped a diagnosis hunt - nothing fits 100% (which is normal) but I have been diagnosed with so much by now and nothing makes sense and nobody knows what's wrong that this is like my last straw. I am struggling to name my symptoms and I feel fine now but I know it won't last... Well, I don't know for sure but I can't imagine to suddenly get cured of everything. Which brings me back to the thesis that I am faking... Everything is fluctuating more or less... Especially my symptoms...
I don't trust my own perception anymore...
I just want to get better of course even if the diagnosis would be hurtful like a narcissistic personality disorder or facitious disorder whatever I would take it if I am just getting better, I don't mind being called attention-seeking, lazy whatever. I don't feel like any of this is the case but I would at this point not care anymore - I just want to get better even if it meant going through hell. I already have been to my personal hell.
Nobody can hurt me more than I ever did.
I was abusing and destroying myself. Self-harm is not enough for what I did. Self-abuse is what I did to my body and maybe also my mind.
Anyways the online test showed I had dementia... xD And yeah I sometimes feel exactly like this. I literally lose my mind. I already feel like I lost another few months of my life. I mean they must have been ****** so that I don't remember anything apart from a few chunks which are of course blurred but at least I have a vague idea... Better than nothing... Or some inflammation/a tumor in my brain.
But nothing is physically wrong with me...
I decided to attend therapy and hand in the notes I thunk are complete non-sense and also tell my psychiatrist that I think I am just making it up...
And then go into therapy and just make sure I am doing okay and getting along with life.
I am also tempted to just say 'I discovered some stuff about myself I wish I did not' - and if he asks tell him or show him the notes (I will write down everything again because a lot of stuff is typed out) or hard to read...
I would not do this if I was functional enough but when I can't study or do well in my studies that is when it is okay for me to talk about this stuff, then it is bad enough.
I am so little aware of everything. It is hard.
But I need to go into therapy to prevent a repetition of 2020 with more mental hospital stays then I can count.
And I need to take on responsibility for everything.
Even if it does not feel like anything of this is related to me or happened to me.
Sorry that this turned out so long...
Just no idea where to write this...
Not even sure wether I do belong here/am allowed to write on this board. Maybe someone has some helpful advice for me.
I hope you all have a good day! ♡