I really am in a foul mood. I haven’t been right since the blow up with my mom. And worse yet, I am beating myself up for even being upset about it in the first place.

I dunno, it’s like I just remember now all the emotional neglect, which I know isn’t as bad as outright abuse, but it’s really impacted who I’ve turned out to be. Add that to the incident with my first husband affecting my current relationship, and how I think I am 100% a failure as a mom and even RS said that my son doesn’t have boundaries or appropriate expectations for behavior...I’m just really down on myself right now. I feel like everything is just too much and I want to black out for awhile.

I haven’t been using therapy, I guess because I just don’t really want to face all this. Like I said it’s just too much. I’ve been overeating and that’s not helping because then I go into a tailspin of how I worked so hard to lose weight and I don’t want to just gain it all back.

I did go out with the (nuclear) fam to the botanical garden in my town. Showed RS where our wedding ceremony will be held within the garden. It was nice to be out with the flowers on such a nice day. My son is getting into gardening and his favorite flowers are tulips. There is a tulip farm near here that offers cut your own tulip walkthroughs. I hope to go soon.

I do hope my mood improves. I do believe it is part hormonal as well. I don’t feel depressed really, just disgruntled about everything in my life and the world in general.