Yeah, sometimes I wonder if it's even possible to really grasp it if you haven't lived it (including for therapists and Pdocs). Most people who've never been clinically depressed can't seem to understand that it's much more than just "sadness" and that it's not necessarily "about something" that's wrong in your life, i.e. everything can be perfect and you're still depressed, it's more of a physical thing than a psychological thing in a way.

Right now I just try not to worry too much about what's causing what. I already had cognitive issues due to the depression, now it may be that the ECT and/or anaesthesia are contributing, but even if they are it should only be temporary. What matters is that my depression (as measured by standardized tests) has already "halved" after only four ECT treatments! There are times when I'm actually starting to feel a little enjoyment in life again, something I had started to think impossible after living for so long without any joy. There are also moments when the depression worsens, and I still can't sleep all that well either, but what matters is I'm finally seeing some real improvement.

The thought that really scares me now is the possibility that I might relapse. I really don't want to go through all that again... I just hope and pray that my maintenance meds after ECT are going to work as advertised. I guess when worse comes to worst I'd be willing to do maintenance ECT, if the cognitive issues don't get worse than this, but my first hope is still Lamictal.