Venting post.

Had a bad session with my T this week. Realised that I want something from him which he probably can’t give: love. I want him to love me so much it hurts and I feel so much shame for wanting this. He’s the first person I’ve ever felt safe with and I have monstrous paternal transference. So when he’s “cold” I feel like he’s rejecting me and I feel pathetically hurt. I wish I could just grow up and not need him so much.

Lately, I feel as though I go in and have nothing to say. But the feelings are there, the angst is there, I just don’t know how to voice it. Sometimes I worry that this relationship has become an obsession and is taking over my life. I don’t want to end therapy, this isn’t what I mean at all. I just want to find a way to communicate what’s inside me better. I worry he thinks I’m stupid and that I have nothing to say and that I’m wasting his time. I’m the last appointment on the day and sometimes i get the feeling he has to wait around for me to arrive because he doesn’t have patients for a few hours before me. And then I show up and mumble my way through the session and have all these uncensored disgusting needs and he’s probably thinking, “ffs, I’m wasting my evening on this annoying woman who’s suffocating me! Look at all those disgusting needs that show on her face! She doesn’t even need to tell me about them, I can see them!” He’d probably be relieved if I suddenly stopped showing up for sessions.

I genuinely feel so pathetic, like what even am I? How am I failing at therapy? How do I fix it? I can’t tell him I feel this way, Im scared he’ll say I’ve been in therapy for too long and maybe it’s time to stop. How do I get the ball rolling again?

Sorry, I know this all sound childish. The needy/angsty side of me seems to have taken over. It wants me to go back and shake him and scream: JUST SEE ME!!!! JUST CARE ABOUT ME! JUST READ MY MIND AND GIVE ME WHAT I WANT! STOP TELLING ME THAT I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, WHY IS IT TOO LATE TO GET WHAT I DIDNT GET AS A KID?!