What I get from your writing is you are in the grip of the monster depression. Most of the other folks on this board know this experience, too. You are not alone. There is plenty of good company here.

Do you have a therapist? They are good for helping out with this kind of bleak outlook.

You might also get meds to help lift you out of the rut. They do work quite well. It is best to get a psychiatrist to set this up, or a med doc with training or who has a good specialist to consult with.

Bumper sticker: Wherever you go, there you are