What is changing for me now because of therapy?

Well I told T last week, that my suicidle idolation was easier until recently because I didnt ever feel anyone would miss me if I wasn't around, but suddenly I feel so connected to my children that one day last week I felt overwhelmed by the realisation of the love I have for them and how I allowed myself to feel that I am loved by them and also how much I love them and am in no way ready to leave them now.

I said I'm not sure if I'm ready for this yet? T said, well if you feel/felt it then you are ready. I said, well that really makes life a little scary now, actually wanting to stick around and face the reality that one day I will die, instead of protecting myself from this by fantasying my own death.

I also feel a lot calmer lately and feel myself experience loss to a bigger degree, mourning more, but as I mourn for what I never had I am held together by what I do have with T now, and realise that my mourning is only possible now because I do have something real/valid/tangible with T.

The mourning feels almost like a springing back and forward feeling. One moment I am awash with breath taking realisations of what I missed and then showered gently with what I have with T.