Thanks all, I appreciate the replies and the knowledge that I’m not alone in feeling this way.

I thought that I’d feel better after a nights sleep but I don’t. I know that he cares, but my mind tells me that he doesn’t. I don’t even know what I want from therapy anymore. I never had goals as such, all of my angst seemed to evade meaning. Over time, I realised I kept going back for the relationships. I know that I’ll have to provide emotional safety for myself, but I’m just not there yet. I know it’s wrong to feel this way, but part of me wants to be “saved” by him.

Maybe we were both just having a bit of an off day, i don’t know. I just felt like he didn’t really see me, or if he did, he dismissed a side of me as less anxiety inducing than it actually is. We’ve had meh sessions before but I don’t remember feeling quite so fragile after them. Maybe things are adding up. Maybe I’m reading too much into it and he’s actually ok with me. I need to get better organised at going into sessions with something serious to talk about. I don’t know if I can (ever) tell him about these feelings, I’m scared he’ll read it as criticism and be put off. It’s not criticism...it’s just an old wound poking it’s ugly head out. I’m also scared that if I mention this, he’ll just reiterate that he can’t save me (which I obviously know on a logical level) and it will feel like the sort of rejection that makes you want to hide under a rock for the rest of your life.

I don’t know. Things have been really hard this year, I feel like I’m at the end of my tether and he’s not seeing it because I don’t know how to voice it. Or maybe he sees it and doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Or maybe he thinks I’m playing it up for attention because I seem ok. I haven’t even cried in session for ages. Perfect makeup, jokes, small talk. But he probably senses the desperation: I’m trying to clutch at something that’s there between us.