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Originally Posted by KLL85
In my last session before the break we are currently on, my very angry little child came hurtling out at full force for the very first time in front of my T. I believe there was some dissociation going on as I don’t fully recall exactly what was said, but the one thing I do remember was my response to his response. After the angry outburst he sat in his chair all calm, half smiling and told me he was ok with me being angry and he could take it and it wasn’t a problem. My reaction to this was that is made me even more angry. I didn’t want him to be fine with it, I didn’t want it to have no effect on him, I wanted him to feel something. Because if he was angry at me for being angry, or was annoyed or hurt, then at least that reaction would show that he cared. Sitting there, seemingly unfazed and relaxed felt like he doesn’t consider me important enough or care enough about me to react to me being angry at him. I didn’t tell him any of this as it felt extremely shameful that I clearly wanted to provoke a reaction out of him.
I’ve never really heard anyone say they have experienced this kind of thing so just wondering if anyone else felt anything similar or am I just weird?!
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Absolutely, I had similar experience with my exT. I think sometimes Ts either go overboard with supposed validation to the point where it becomes invalidating, or else they can't in fact take it quite as well as they'd like and put up a front to mask that (exT did the latter, mostly).
I think there's a difference between feeling the weight of our anger and being able to take it on and pretending it has no weight ... or, worse, it really being nothing to them.
Might be a good idea to discuss this further with your T.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins
Accepting your anger without getting angry back, without "punishment," IS caring. That's what good parents do (or therapists in this case). Is it possible you expected what you "know" from childhood and this caring acceptance is foreign to you?
Kids act out to be heard when they are used to not being heard, and they don't always particularly care what the reaction is so long as they don't feel invisible. I see it in students on occasion who will get attention any way they can get it, even if it means negative attention. It's a learned behavior. Kids who are used to being heard by attentive adults tend to act out less often and with less vigor. They'll still do it, but when met with the same consistent acceptance and caring, with redirection rather than punishment, they will generally calm fairly quickly and be okay.
What your therapist is doing is modeling acceptance and caring of you, even at your "worst." But you may not recognize that's is what is going on.
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Calm is good, and can mean acceptance or care (but then that needs to be expressed explicitly for those of us who it default to interpreting it as indifference or dismissal). Smiling, I really don't think is appropriate.
Whenever ex-T did that, it always just made me wipe the smile off her face. **** you, I'm angry because I'm hurt and/or scared, and that's because of what you did/said (or didn't), don't you dare smile! (and yes, transference and past traumas and blah-blah, but she was still the one triggering it in that moment)
The part of me that kind of wants to express itself but kind of doesn't and so it all comes out as anger, wanted to hear that it's existence and intent to communicte is dscovered and acknwedged. The part of me that knows it's not OK to express anger that way (or express anger at all when I really need to express something ele) wanted to hear that it's not OK, because anything else is lie, but also that it's acceptable in that context until I learn to express myself better, and this ties back to the previous point - understanding that something needs to b expressed but I need help to get to a point where I can.
The calm-welcoming supposedly oh-so-professional reaction I from exT, gave me none of this, I only felt (even more) invisible and impotent and even angrier. Of course, her apparent calm and welcoming attitude wasn't entirely honest in the first place, as I suspected and she later confirmed ("btw it's kind of scary when you get angry")