So Sorry you're in a dark place! Hugs! Any therapist that you can contact? Any Support system IRL? Please do all you can to keep yourself Safe and to keep yourself Healthy. i am also here if you need to talk, even through pm if necessary and Hopefully many others as well. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @jrae, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!