He took me out for a very nice expensive meal last night. As we were eating, the tears welled up inside me. I couldn't mask my emotions anymore. The last four days I have spent time with him and he's spent the night at my apartment. I have inwardly held inside my hurt over his infidelity. I didn't bring it up over the last four days, so it came out during our dinner. We couldn't finish our dinner and it ended abruptly. We were silent on the ride home. I told him how hurt I am still.

During our time apart, towards the end, I felt like I could forgive him. And now? It's still very present with me. His reasoning that it was unlike him and that he was out of sorts is not good enough for me. While he was flirtatiously texting with another woman, he was also showering ME with love, affection and attention, telling me how much he loves me.

Last night I told him it doesn't add up, and that it was VERY deceptive behavior - WHY shower me with so much love when he's doing something so secretive and deceptive behind my back?

IF he were truly angry with me, wouldn't he have been far more distant with me during that time period? I am not asking people here these questions... I am asking myself these questions.

And IF he loves me SO much, how could he possibly have gone behind my back the way he did?

At present, he claims to love me sooooooo much and tells me he doesn't want to ever live without me again. I don't even know why he feels this way, after ALL the horrible things I've called him.

So last night it all came out of me, how hurt I am still by his actions and how hard it is for me to trust him at his word at this point. If you truly love someone, then how can you hurt them as much as he's hurt me? He's broken SO many promises, how can I possibly trust him ever again?

We have our 1st therapy appt tonight. I am looking forward to this. I don't know how to get past my feelings of mistrust, IF we are to remain together. I really don't. He has hurt me more than he even knows... not just with the infidelity, but with all the abuse. How can I trust that he won't continue to break promises and revert back to old behaviors?

He tells me he doesn't have it within him to be the way he was before - he tells me it's his mission to make me happy and to always show his love for me.

Time will only tell. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel I need him in my life, but a part of me doesn't even want him there. A part of me does, and a part of me doesn't.

I need him to spend time at his apartment. I need space from him now.