So Sorry that things are being hard. i agree with the wise and wonderful RoxanneToto about you having every right to experience your pain as well as any other emotions. You are simply struggling and there's nothing to be ashamed of in my opinion at least. Are you currently seeking any Help? A therapist or any other professional whom may Help you? Please do not give up. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Thirty shades, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!