I think it's important to differentiate between a lack of angry response and acceptence. They are very far from being the same. Passive aggression is a thing. Masking fear (or displeasure) with apparent calm and a forced smile is a thing. I'm sure there are a lot of other possibilities where calm and controlled behaviour comes with a lack of acceptance. Conversely, someone's whose first reaction is to get angry back might actually be genuinely accepting after calming down (although that doesn't necessarily heal the damage done in anger).
I'm not saying the therapist in question is doing any of these. I suspect it was primarily a genuine attempt at reassurance, if not very attuned to th OP's need, but 1. the smiling and 2. the sole focus being on how it's ok and he can take it are red flags. Both can have perfectly sensible and harmless explanations, but still red flags.
I might just be extra sensitive about this because of xT stuff, and other instances of getting into trouble because I explained away red flags like this (because, "maybe it's perfectly normal for normal people to behave this way or that, surely I'm just being paranoid" ... well no, many times I wasn't.) So please KLL85 don't be like me and convince yourself that you're just being stupid and decide it's not even worth talking about ... if his reaction rubs you the wrong way for whatever reason, that certainly is worth talking about.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ElectricManatee
I do this all the time with my toddler. She gets mad about things, and it would be counterproductive for me to get angry with her for not yet having the ability to regulate her own emotions. I don't stare at her smiling, but I do try to validate whatever she's angry about (even if I don't really get it or I know she's mostly angry because she's hunger or tired), give her a hug, sit with her, etc. I can relate to not really feeling comfortable unless things are at least slightly in conflict because of my own upbringing, but I don't think it necessarily has to be that way.
|
I think the bolded is the crucial part of signalling acceptnce and helping with emotion regulation that's missing from KLL85's description. If you just stared at her smiling, she probably wouldn't know what to make of it and get even angrier. You
wordlessly demonstrate that you 'can take it' by engaging with her in a supportive manner as opposed to either getting aggressive or withdrawing. And then the focus is on her.
Of course, the therapist in question is not interacting with an actual toddler, so it kind of makes sense that he'd try to verbally reassure the adult that it's ok, but I think the validation part would be necessary for me to parse it as acceptance, and, if being on the receiving end of a similar reaction, to actually help me regulate calm down and start trusting the person.