It took me so long to figure out I am allowed to call what I went through trauma, because everything was so deeply engrained and imprinted in me that it felt normal and like this is just who I am.
My mother and all her projections - I am none of that.
Neither you are but I get it... I still feel like everybody hates me even though people tell me they love to be around me or even missed me when I was gone for longer. Yes, I always had a high tendency to dissociate but I was made to be so easily hurt, so vulnerable.
I feel immensely guilty and worthless for no reason.
I never thought it was a problem. Dissociation seemed normal. Seemed to be part of me... I lost so much time of my life to living like this.
It was the key element in everything.
Now I finally see... How could I be blinded for so long?
I lived through narcissistic abuse from a very young age. I struggle to access all the memories - but I was constantly exposed to what she told me. The world is bad, we are special ... You are guilty, you are bad, you are wrong, failure, liar, disappointment, you are amazing, I love you, you are disgusting, you are evil, you are arrogant, you are a monster... Rage and everything...
I kinda have to figure out more...
So I can reprogram myself and learn that everything she said was wrong.
I am allowed to be outside of anxiety and OCD keeping safe and caged.
I am allowed to have an opinion.
I am allowed to express emotion like I please.
I am real.
Nothing is only good or bad.
I choose how I see the world and myself.
'Society made you ill.' No you did!!
I learned to manipulate myself, keep myself small, applied what she did to me to myself...
Everything falls into place.
Everything.