Okay this is a bit of a complicated story -- I hope you guys have time to read it!

My sister and I were thinking of buying a home together. My sister is married (I am not), and we were going to buy one of those styles of houses where an in-law apartment is attached (for me). So we'd be in the same house but still have separation. We talked about doing it for ages. Then we started looking. And we couldn't seem to find anything that worked for all of us. We really only found a couple of places with any potential and rejected all of them for one reason or another. There was one that they were really hoping I would want to get, but it just felt all wrong to me (house okay, didn't like neighborhood). And then there was also a HUGE problem of a time constraint (my sis is pregnant and wanted to buy a place before the baby came). There were plenty of places the two of them could buy without me. And I felt sick with stress at the idea that I was holding them back even though they wanted me with them. I finally said it was all too stressful and I couldn't handle it with all the busy stuff I have going on in my life right now (work, school, etc.). But naturally when they DID find a place I felt (and feel) really depressed about it. And my sis is all disappointed etc. I'm plagued by regret because I wish I'd just gone for it on one of the places I wasn't sure about (perhaps I would've liked it after a while).

But here's the really hard part: Because it's so upsetting to me -- because I'm so anxious and regretful, etc. about it -- I can't talk to my sister. If I even see her name in my email inbox, I become physically nauseated. I can't call her or email her. I dread seeing her. I probably won't even be able to visit her when she does move. I feel like this huge disappointment to myself and to both of them. I guess I am, but I couldn't handle the stress of it. Unlike my sister I can't make decisions quickly, and I had all these fears about the different places we had looked at. And started wondering if it was a good idea, what the ramifications were (would it be a hardship for them to try to rent my separate apartment if I ever got married, etc.). It scared me and made me sick with stress. Most thoughts of change do that to me. But I really regret this. I've now alienated us. I wish I'd chosen to just give it a shot and see if I grew to like a place after a while. But they all felt wrong to me.

And this is plaguing me, eating away at my consciousness. I can't think about anything else or concentrate. So upsetting. I think I have a little bit of a problem with anxiety in general. I haven't even been able to talk about feeling this way. It's difficult for me to even write it down.

Sidony