I have now lost 2 therapists that at one time meant the world to me. It was 2 of the hardest times of my life. I was also very suicidal when I lost them (one just disappeared knowing my extreme abandonment fears) and could not ever imagine starting all over and trusting another therapist again. What I learned through my dark times of grieving them is that I am so glad I didn’t end my life over them. I am worth more than that. Also like others said, you can start where you are. It is possible to work with someone else. I am sorry you know this pain and are going through this. Your feelings are valid and its so hard to navigate such a devastating loss. It does get better and the pain gets better over time. I know its hard to see in the midst of such pain and loss but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Gentile hugs if wanted.