I did not sleep that well last night, but woke up feeling "better." Thanks mostly to my pup wanting to snuggle and for me to pet her. When I quit, she insisted I continue. I remember actually really smiling and saying to myself (and out loud) "I'm so happy right now." That woke my other pup up who then wanted some pets too. They are both such good kids. So, while sleep was not very good or enough, I did feel a little happier when I got out of bed. My mood, so far today, has been better than the last few days.

In my journaling yesterday, I noted that I didn't even look up symptoms of what I suspect is wrong, I just jumped right to that. In finally looking up other symptoms, which I know is a terrible thing to do, I see that I have none of the other symptoms. Just minor pain that can be explained by several more likely things. The funny thing is that I had pain in a different location a week or so ago (that has now gone away) and thought something else was wrong. Most likely it's just bad posture and not getting enough actual physical exercise or even just stretching. But my brain wants to insist that it's the real deal this time (like the 100 other times over the last 20 years), the thing that's going to cause me to die and fail in my promise. And I understand that. It's trying to help me live up to that promise, it's just going about it in a really terrible way. Stick instead of carrot. My anxiety carries a big stick and isn't afraid to use it up against my head. Often.

If anything positive has come about over the last couple of weeks, it has made me pay more attention to my pups. And a bit more to my day to day living. I've dialed in my diet a bit more, after having gone on a bender of sorts. It's been so hard not to feel normal, by eating things I don't often like, all in an attempt to be healthier. I felt that if I let myself enjoy a few treats that I would somehow feel a little more normal. It really didn't, I just felt guilty, like I was prioritizing my pleasure over my promise. I admit that I do feel a little resentful toward my pups, but I didn't need to make that promise, I did it because I had nothing else to live for. Just before making that promise I was really about to give up on life. The promise to them was meant to give me something to live for. I'm still here, 18 months later, so it must have worked. But again, my anxiety went through the roof ever since. I guess I ended up prioritizing anxiety over depression.

Currently, I'm listening to some "brainwave" music to help me relax and so far it's working. I don't know if that's not all just snake oil, but it seems to help. I have a 12 hour playlist of the stuff, so going to keep going to see how it all plays out. I am really, really, REALLY terrible about sticking to the things that are recommended to deal with anxiety and depression. I know I should journal, I know I should be consistent with CBT, I know I should meditate, I know I should get more exercise, I know I should focus more on relaxation. And breathing and muscle relaxation and so on. I KNOW! I think my anxiety has infected my ego, so now I identify with the anxiety as being who I am, and the act of doing something to remedy it, is probably seen as an attack on who I am. I just need to gather the courage to go against what 20 years of programming have done to my mind and do something better. Neuroplasticity, yeah!

Anyway, this came out more bloggy/ranty than I had intended. Thanks for reading and again, if you have any thoughts or advice, I'm ready to hear it. I need all the help I can get.