Thank you, it means a lot... I still don't believe myself but it somehow feels like I am finally moving into the right direction. I did something awful yesterday.
I tried manipulating a child alter/myself, no idea really at that point (I felt forced to do that and like I had no choice) that everything she believes is a lie, she felt so guilty that she self-harmed. At that point I wonder wether I am the issue, I am the evil one. And of course then the a**hole dictated her how to self-injure. Looking back I felt like it was that a**h*le really dictating me and then me dictating her. An odd triangle. I could NOT intervene at that point. I feel awful.
The only thing I later cared about was making it not show, so I told her to hold her arm a certain way so that nobody would see. I was angry at her for self-injuring even though that was what it would lead to... I wanted her struggles to feel like mine. It is hard to describe.
I wanted to feel as a whole or alone.
I wanted the 3rd version memories become mine.

I literally brainwashed her - others supported me in the process.
Basically it was like 'you have to wash the guilt away', 'you have to clean your soul' over and over again with a hand - washing image. Why? No idea.

I felt like I had to appear very disturbed and mentally ill and kinda show that I am the ill one and not my mother and I would have used her for that - I even thought I had to go to the mental asylum again. I don't know I feel utterly disgusted by myself.
I just did not fight I think? I somehow supported that a**ho*e.

It is just hard for me to believe her, to believe myself. She makes me feel like I am not real and the other way around.

I kinda apologized later on and I think it is better now. But I can't help it. I have to call a therapist today and just make an appointment. I need therapy to process everything, but she is the one who really needs help. She knows were the issues lie.

It is just difficult for me to process.

I am also still having huge gaps here and there and I am exhausted all the time.
It is already Wednesday, not Tuesday... It is tough.

And of course my parents still prefer Borderline, then any other diagnosis. She fully fits that criteria. She is literally a butterfly and she can identify with all statements on BPD but she is also very childlike/emotional, she literally is lost in the adult world. She believes everything you say.

She is so easy to break and I feel like her face expression is dear-like. Like innocent but hurt and just obedient at least that is what I feel my face looks like when she is present.

I feel like she got all the mental illness, I got nothing.

The issue is I am not mentally ill, I am more depressed I think and dissociated a lot.
They don't get why I am so upset.
They just think I am a very extreme person, that just has a lot of depth to it.
They don't get how extreme it is. At all.
It is not that I don't want help. I just view things entirely differently.
And I have no idea what to talk about.
Also I am afraid that I will get worse from therapy, no idea if that makes any sense.

I am surprised I am still alive, I really am.
All I could do was harm-minimisation at some point, nothing else.

I also don't remember a lot of conversations, so it is like you were so positive about it yesterday and I am struggling to kinda remember so I am trying to 'assume'. But assuming is not the same as knowing.
To me it is more like believing, and that is not a very nice feeling to have.
It is just so upsetting to me... But she seems to experience amnesia too, she seems to be as confused and disturbed as I am.
So there could be more...

I feel immense guilt but also shame. A lot of shame.
I was so out of it... I am used to just observe and suddenly it annoys me. Idk.
I feel like I am a lot more functional so I want more control.
I used to always be there or at least I thought that and now I feel like I am not able to. It is hard.

I mean it is like with all the self-harm and suicidal behavior? Idk.
It is just a different story.
It is like not supposed to happen/be.
Idk how to explain.
I feel BPD is overrated.
I have a strong aversion against BPD for some reason. I feel like with BPD you can literally explain anything even if it has nothing to do with a BPD label. I don't know if that makes any sense.
But the main reason for the BPD being suspected was self-harm and this is just a dumb stereotype. Also I appear normal or BPD and I appear BPD when she is out and usually self-harms or Idk what she does or whatever.
Also I guess you can have both.


I could be making up everything. At this point I just would like my brain to work better and I wish I could just put a bow around last year and put glitter on it and kinda hide what is underneath - which is quite easy if you are missing the link to yourself.
And it also is something she loves I think.
I am not that much into bows, glitter and colors. It is just not my thing. I am not really that much into Kawaii, but I think she loves it. Ghibli and such. I guess that is really the age-difference. Yeah. Idk at this point. Also I saw a necklace again and to me it was so ugly but she loved it but I still did not buy it. I like neutral, basic things really. I don't care much about looks, but she is really obsessed about it.
I feel like I failed to integrate somehow. I feel like everybody developed into one and I somehow failed to do that and that angers me. I just thought I struggled to combine different interests and created fake personas by choice, but somehow everybody seems to have their own lives and such, they seem to be people, not even just parts that try to imitate each other and be subtle. I felt like I created her and she felt like she created me and we both somehow deny each other's existence and yeah think that Idk.
I guess I am just really a very diverse person and I imagine something.
I kinda thought I would just leave old stuff behind and move on. Idk.
I am utterly confused at that point.
Do I have manipulated myself so much and suppressed so much that I am too dumb to connect myself to everything?
I feel awful.
You matter a lot to me and I am just thankful to get to know you, we all do. <3



Also I feel obligated to deny everything all the time. This is so odd. I must be making this all up.