I've disappeared....

Over the last 3 years, I've completely disappeared after dealing with emotional and verbal abuse from my narc husband. All the yelling, the gaslighting, the explosive anger from him... it took a toll. I am now very weakened as a result.

Our relationship was always about him, what he wanted, what he needed and how he feels that there was and is no room for me. I became so conditioned to this treatment that I began putting him first before myself and I lost myself.

Now that I am ending my marriage for good, I feel incredibly relieved but I am also SO angry. I don't know what to do with all my anger. My father is a narc and treated me similarly as a kid. All those old feelings have returned. I do not matter.

And my eating disorder completely disappeared the moment I left him last Fall. After trying to reconcile in the last 2 months, my eating disorder came back. I realized just yesterday that it's because I was shoving all my feelings down because there was no room for my feelings in the relationship.

I am sad..... I feel so sad in knowing that he never truly loved ME. He loved what I gave him: security, financial security, and I took care of his every need practically.

I need to find myself again. I started to by decorating my apartment without him in it, by listening to my own music and by doing the things I enjoy again.

But the anger.... I don't know what to do with all my anger. Journaling is one thing, therapy is another, but my anger runs SO deep that I'm afraid nothing will truly help.

Any suggestions on how to deal with anger and rage in healthy ways? I cannot express it to HIM: he won't validate my feelings.

And how does one get over abuse? I need some serious healing and treatment, after years of abuse from many different relationships. I need a better therapist.

Thanks for listening.