So Dr. T has been giving me a reduced rate (reduced beyond his normal reduction) for the past...9 months or so maybe? We came to an agreement on it for like 3 months, then he's extended it a couple times when I asked. It's due to end May 1, and he had said when he gave that extension that we'd agree to have it go up May 1. In my post-COVID-shot weakened state, I was sort of saying I wished it could be extended for a month or two--well, actually to have an amount between the reduced and regular rate--but that I wasn't asking. And he said, "I said we wouldn't renegotiate." Which made me feel really bad. Not so much that he said he wouldn't, but that I felt bad about even bringing it up at all.

I'm just not ready to stop 3x a week yet (he's fine with that), and going back to the other rate will make it considerably more expensive a week. It's just difficult for me because he's mentioned basically having more clients than he can handle right now. And he'd said how if I had canceled today at the last minute (due to shot side effects), it wouldn't have affected him financially at all. So that sort of hit me in a weird way...

But then after session, I felt guilty about even bringing up the money thing, so I sent him an apologetic email. Saying how I know he's been more than generous with both money and time with me (he hasn't charged for any emails--for any clients--since the start of the pandemic, for example). But that in a way, it felt like a rejection, that he said no renegotiation, even though I know it wasn't one. How I understood if he was irritated or even angry with me for bringing it up, that I hoped the apology would help dampen those feelings. How much of this is really about my anxiety of things changing (like going back to seeing him in person, reentering the world in general post-vaccine, etc.).

So, now I likely wait until morning for a reply, unless he realizes how bothered I'll be and decides to reply this evening (he typically will read emails throughout the day but mostly replies the next morning).