So Sorry that things are being so hard for you. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about trying some therapy. Yes it can take a while before finding the right match and before things start to work out. i do think it is worth it though especially if death is the other option you have in mind. Please remove death from the options you have. i think there is Hope. Just do try your best like you're perhaps already doing. So Sorry if my post isn't particularly Helpful but i Beg you, seek Help, Ok? Hugs. i am here if you want to talk and i think others as well if you just ask around. Sending many Safe, Warm hugs to BOTH you, @mark27, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!