My old T didn't have any boundaries and my new T is all about boundaries, sometimes I wish that they could both be more like the other one.

My old T and I were like friends. After the session we would go out to lunch man times. He let me hold his hand, gave me hugs, he even gave me a neck massage one time I was really upset. I never infered in any way that his touch made me uncomfortable so I guess I accepted it. At first it took me by surprise how much touchy feely he was, after all he was a male T and I was a female client of approx the same age. After a while we became very comfortable with each other, and like I said he was more of friend who would offer his shoulder to cry on than a therapeutic relationship. There definately was a mutual attraction although we never crossed that line. I'm not saying it was all his fault, I was a willing participant, never set boundaries for myself and I liked the relationship. We even hung out as part of a group, with dinners, events at my house and situations that had nothing to do with our therapy. Even when I stopped seeing him, we continued to have lunch for a long while.

My new T is totally different. He does psychoanalytic psychotherapy and is very clear about boundaries. We haven't discussed it openly but it is very clear that this is another ballgame and that there are rules in place. There are no hugs, the only time I have touched him was when I offered my hand as a handshake after our first session. There will never be lunches, or contact outside the room. I know it even though it hasn't been explicitly discussed.

Sometimes when I'm crying I wish he would reach out and give me his hand to hold, I'm not even asking for a hug, but I know it's not going to happen. That doesn't mean I don't want it.

Ts have to set boundaries but we also have to set boundaries for ourselves. I know now that the relationship I had with my first T was not good for me. I enjoyed it while it happened but in the long run it has caused me more pain than anything else. For example, because of it, my relationship with my new T is harder. It is taking me a long time to trust him and open up. Ts can never be our friends as much as we want them to be, and if there are, no healing truly happens. I've realized that while my first T helped me over a time. Long term healing can only happen when someone is truly invested in our wellbeing, can maintain objectivity and care enough to keep boundaries that will allow him or her to do what's best for us.

I hope this makes sense.....psych central newbie!!!