Dear T,
I think I figured out what's really bothering me about the rate thing (unfortunately, I figured it out at like 4 am while lying wide awake). It feels arbitrary.

Had you said something like, "I know I have more a bunch more clients now, so it seems like I'm making more money. But I need to start making payments on my PPP loan now, so your rate will need to go back up." Or "Your D is back in school now, so you're able to take on more work, so that's why it's going back up." Or any number of explanations. I'm a very understanding person. Now, if it was like, "I've decided to buy a BMW" or "I'm saving for a big vacation," I'd likely be less understanding.

Yes, I know you don't *owe* me an explanation, but *something* would be helpful.

I think the reason it matters is that in my head, I think I've come to equate the reduced rate as a sign of you caring. So it feels like if you can arbitrarily stop a reduced rate, then you could arbitrarily change the level of caring. And I suppose I also feel like the money matters to you more than my support right now. Which I know is not fair. You have to make a living. You deserve to be compensated fairly for your time.

And I also worry you're getting tired of me and hoping this will push me to twice a week more quickly. I know it's up to me, but you still seemed a bit like, "Oh...OK" when I said I wanted to wait till after May to start the reducing. But like we talked about, everything is starting to change right now, and if I also have to deal with a reduction in sessions in the midst of all that, it feels like too much. I'll want your support as I ease back into the world. I think only once I'm back in it to some extent will I then be able to say "OK, I'm ready to start reducing now." But right now, it all just seems like this overwhelming process. And I want to know you'll be there with me to help me through it.

Love,
LT