I am doing quite poorly. I just keep going up and down. The agitation mellowed last week and I was fine thurs fri sat, if a little talkative. But on Saturday by 7pm I knew I had to go into my room and get away from the incessant noise (which was really just my son and RS). My son is very chatty and sometimes it’s too much. Sunday I was just so awfully depressed. The grocery store freaked me out a lot. I felt like I had to get out ASAP.

Today I am feeling so upset and...disconnected. Like my mind is shutting down almost. Like I’m not really alive anymore, or maybe my brain doesn’t want me alive? Work was excruciating. Everyone’s voice was hurting me so terribly. I sat very still and quiet all day, but I did participate with the remote students as per my job. I really felt I could t talk to anyone else “real” though. I felt suffocated. I took a lot of bathroom breaks just to try to reset. I pressed a pair of safety scissors into my fingertips under my desk surreptitiously to try to keep myself under control.

Now that I am home I am in bed listening to the Harry Potter soundtrack the tightness in my chest has relaxed a bit. But I don’t want RS to come home. I feel his voice will hurt me too.

I think after I rest a bit I am going to take a very hot shower and just stand/sit in it for awhile. To kind of distract me or bring me back to reality or something, I’m not even sure what I want right now.

I have my therapist tomorrow after work and I am going in late on Wednesday so I can get my depakote level checked in the AM and then quickly meet with my pdoc again.